Mrs Winton's Diary

Votes for Women

2010-03-08T05:34:00.000-08:00

I'm not interested in politics which is why I have always voted Conservative. I vote for our local MP - Sir Reginald. He is a most disarming man if a little absent minded, which would explain the reason for him standing-down, there was some mix-up with a mortgage that he was claiming for, that he had actually paid off in 1978.

I feel that the local press have got completely the wrong end of the stick and have gone on accusing him of stealing from the tax payers he is supposed to represent. So I wrote to the Gazette in attempt to put the record straight.

Some years ago I attended a Rotary do with the Beast, even then we were not really talking but carried on our social functions as a happily married etc. Anyway Sir Reginald was also attending. We were holding the do in the demountable behind, as it was then, Safeway in the town, which has now become a ghastly Morrisons. Sir Reginald was late, he got lost in the town centre, I know he does have trouble finding time to visit the constituency and has got lost before. But I realise he is busy with state affairs and the like which keep him from our little town.

Well he was in very good spirits that night, the life and soul of the party. About half way through poor Mrs Chesterfield was taken queer. Said she had trouble breathing, which I can well believe in the dress she was almost wearing. Well with one bound Sir Reginald was there by her side and insisted that she walk round the car park with him.

They must have been gone a good twenty minutes I finally bumped into them in the porch coming in, I was on the way out to the little girls room, I use the one in Safeway, the facilities in the demountable being far from satisfactory. Mrs Chesterfield still appeared quite flushed, It was then I noticed that Sir Reginald had been walking around with his fly undone. How very absent minded I thought. Oh and I want to make it clear that I am not in the habit of looking at a gentleman's nether regions, but my eyes were in that general direction as I was looking for my brolly, it had come onto rain and I had no intention of getting my twinset wet negotiating the car park.

Anyway to come to the point he was a very fine MP and I for one shall miss him. I'm not too sure who the new one will be, so long as he's not a boy I shan't mind. Oh well goodnight dear diary.

Salmon Suprise

2010-03-06T06:39:00.000-08:00

Barbara thundered in yesterday, really I wish she would be lighter on her feet. "Morning Mrs W," she says, I glance at my watch and think more like afternoon Mrs W. "Must go to the little girls room." and with that she's off up the stairs, ignoring the downstairs cloak. She's gone for nearly fifteen minutes of my time, then there's a crash of my bathroom door and she breezes down telling me "I wouldn't go in there for a while if I was you." Oh dear I thought, I dread to think what unpleasantness my Aldelphi suite has had to endure.

Then she takes an idle glance at the hoover which I have taken the trouble to leave out for her and she's off telling me about some wedding she attended at the weekend. Her sister's half daughter's niece or someone, I try not to listen. The jist of which involved her Raymond, a man of few words, disgracing himself.

According to Barbara he said "Come on Babs get stuck in I've just been to the bar and all the booze is free" she said that within the hour he was very much the worst for wear. She told me the happy couple had put on a lovely spread, it was one of those cold buffet things, there were little sandwiches of every description and vol-au-vent's and everything Mrs W. Including it would seem a whole dressed salmon. she said "It looked like it had been to Church, it was so pretty."

Then she said before she could stop Raymond he had staggered to the table. "I just knew what would happen next, I rushed toward him Mrs W but I was too late, he was most violently ill, most of it went over the salmon, the vol-au-vent's were hardly touched so they could have been salvaged or something but instead the groom bodily removed my Raymond from the reception."

I didn't really know what to say to her, I decided to murmur 'How very unfortunate' and I slowly backed away tripping over the blessed hoover. "I'd put that away if I were you Mrs W" before I could say anything her mobile telephone went off and she was suddenly in deep conversation with one or other of her ghastly family.

I do wonder why I keep her on? Oh well goodnight dear diary.

Bum Rush

2006-06-14T09:20:00.000-07:00

Minerva's in trouble, what with this hot wet weather we've been having, she's taken to going out in her front garden in the early hours to, as she says 'pop off some dirty froggie food' It took me a while to work out she meant snails.
Seems she arms herself with a torch and a copy of The Daily Express and when she comes across one attacking her Holly Hocks, whacks them into oblivion.

Well her enthusiasm got the better of her last night, she was out there bent over a particularly large specimen when Tristan our neighbourhood beat officer was passing, he caught a sight that I think prematurely aged him, poor Minerva had completely forgotten to put her night dress on. Tristan said he thought he'd caught a reflection of the moon, until closer inspection. Oh well, good night dear diary.

Bournemouth

2006-04-16T11:58:00.000-07:00

To Bournemouth with Minerva, she's not a bad old stick, has a glass eye, makes her look like she's always about to ask a question. We went to see Ken Dodd at The Pavillion, a ghastly council run place. He started at half past seven and by eleven hadn't stopped. Minerva suddenly shot up from her seat and shouted I'm bursting and ran from the auditorium, I didn't see her again until breakfast, a very odd evening indeed. Goodnight dear diary

Stop Whining - Monday 15th August

2005-08-15T08:40:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary

Have a terrible head this morning, I think the Romanian wine I drank last night must have been off, Barbara bought it for me in Lidel, by way of a sorry after she knocked the Dyson down the stairs and badly damaged the crevice tool. I'm afraid I got cross and threatened to replace her with a Molly Maid, I wonder where the aspirins are? Good night dear diary.

Cedric goes down - Tuesday 26th July

2005-07-26T08:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary
What a calamity, poor Cedric whilst on holiday in Ibiza has had a terrible accident. It seems he took a tumble down some rocks by the sea. It was three o'clock in the morning, I can't imagine what the boy was doing down there. Luckily there just happened to be three other gentlemen also taking a late night constitutional, who helped him up and dispatched him to hospital. Oh dear, good night dear diary.

What A Lovely Pair - Monday 11th July

2005-07-11T09:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary
Had a very pleasant meal at the weekend at The Pizza Express with the Thomases', last time we met I accidentally stepped on their cat 'Timmy' they seemed to have forgiven me.

I'm afraid there was one unpleasant incident, I had a clear view through the window of restaurant when suddenly a young lady outside lifted her blouse and revealed that she was not wearing a bra, oh dear youth of today, good night dear diary.

Rings of confidence - Wednesday July 6th

2005-07-06T07:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary

Cedric came bounding in with the news that London had won the Olympic bid, 'darling,' I said 'don't expect me to go to Stratford ever again.' I had a most unpleasant experience aboard a train there involving a gentleman sitting opposite me performing an unnatural act with a sausage roll from Upper Crust, except he had replaced the sausage with an intimate part of his body. I did not see the funny side of it. Good night dear diary

In The Dark - Tuesday 5th July

2005-07-05T10:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary
I'm still getting used to sleeping in what was the daytime. What a joy to pop to Waitrose today after suffering 'Big Fresh' - New Zealand's idea of a supermarket. Cedric is excited about his holiday to Ibiza, he's going with his camera club. I happened on some of his holiday literature and noticed one of the places he's visiting in Ibiza has its own darkroom, that will be handy for him. Good night dear diary.

Problems down-under Monday 4th July

2005-07-04T00:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary

Finally I have returned from that ghastly place, six months with he who I never mention, but we're back in my dear little house. Cedric has been a good son looking after the place. There are one or two strange marks on the carpet and an odd smell in the living room - I tracked it down to the coffee table, there was some 'room odouriser' that Cedric had been using, it was a small bottle but had a pungent aroma - I've told him to stick with Air Wick - a much more pleasant experience. Good night dear diary.

Mrs Winton

2005-04-23T01:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary

My trip to New Zealand is almost over and I'm getting quite excited about returning home.

Goodnight Dear Diary

Mrs Winton Takes Flight

2005-01-24T09:24:00.000-08:00

Mrs Winton's diary has come to a temporary end. We're sure she will return to these pages and the airwaves at some future date. You can still listen to Sandi Toksvig every weekday afternoon from noon on London's LBC 97.3 FM listen online or tune to SKY Channel 927.

Tuesday 14th December

2004-12-14T12:00:00.000-08:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long-running serial Mrs Winton's Diary. Mrs Winton receives an IKEA catalogue in today's episode 'Chuck Out Your Chintz'

Dear Diary
A thump on the hall floor. It was an IKEA catalogue. I don't like modern furniture - flicking through there was the 'Bastad' coffee table, the 'Cunilinguist' book shelves and some 'Kerlit' picture frames - all terribly ugly. Barbara says nothing good has ever come out of Denmark, I think she may be right. Oh dear, goodnight dear diary.
Listen to Mrs Winton every weekday at 12.15 London time on LBC 97.3

Monday 13th December

2004-12-13T12:00:00.000-08:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long-running serial Mrs Winton's diary. Mrs Winton decides to give her advent calendar another go in today's episode 'A Christmas Tail'

Dear Diary
I've decided to open another window of my advent calendar. The chocolate inside appeared to be a small cat wearing leather thigh length boots - oh of course - dear old Puss In Boots from the pantomime. Cedric said 'no - that's Antonio Banderas.' 'Not a Spanish actor in my advent calendar!' Oh dear goodnight dear diary.
Listen to Mrs Winton as she reads her diary every weekday at 12.15pm London time on LBC 97.3 SKY Channel 927 on on the world wide web at lbc.co.uk

Friday 10th December

2004-12-10T12:00:00.000-08:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long-running serial Mrs Winton's Diary. Mrs Winton takes the tube in today's episode 'A clash going underground'

Dear Diary
The people who travel on the Central Line are, forgive me, the scum of the earth. A gentleman sitting opposite me - leering and squeezing his growing crotch. Then we pulled into Bank station - a tramp was relieving himself against the Crunchie machine. I buried my head in The People's Friend and pretended it wasn't happening - oh dear goodnight dear diary.
Mrs Winton reading her diary every weekday at 12.15pm London time on LBC 97.3

Thursday 9th December

2004-12-09T12:00:00.000-08:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long-running serial Mrs Winton's Diary. Mrs Winton try's to enjoy a quiet moment in today's episode 'A Cross Word'

Dear Diary
Was in the middle of doing the crossword in this weeks 'People's Friend' when Gwedolyn and Percy appeared at the back passage. 'Hello mum, good news, Percy and I are organising the Church crib - we're off to B&Q for the wood, do you want anything? 'Well you could help me with six across' I said 'Found at the bottom of a budgies cage, four letters ending in I.T.?' Percy said 'Grit' 'Oh dear' I said 'In that case could you get me a bottle of Tippex' goodnight dear diary.
You can listen to the lovely Mrs Winton as she reads from her diary every weekday on the Sandi Toksvig Show on LBC 97.3

Wednesday 8th December

2004-12-08T12:00:00.000-08:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long-running serial Mrs Winton's Diary. Mrs Winton has a problem with her windows in today's episode 'Microsoft in the Head'

Dear Diary
Despite months on that Learn Direct course I'm still having trouble with the computer - I think I clicked on the wrong thing the other day - now every time I turn the computer on I'm greeted with the sign 'save one hundred dollars on the price of sneakers' - why do computers always assume everybodys' American - oh dear goodnight dear diary.
Mrs Winton on air in London every weekday at 12.15 GMT LBC 97.3

Tuesday 7th November

2004-12-07T12:00:00.000-08:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long-running serial Mrs Winton's Diary. Mrs Winton prepares to write her Christmas Newsletter in today's episode 'Paper Chain Mail'

Dear Diary
Have started my round robin letter I always enclose in my Christmas Cards. Have included news about my recent trip to the dentist, my lovely walk in the spinney with Cedric. I think my friends really look forward to my little newsletter - a few have said it's the highlight of their Christmas - how kind goodnight dear diary.
Listen to the naive Mrs Winton every weekday at 12.15pm with Sandi Toksvig on LBC 97.3

Friday 3rd December

2004-12-03T12:00:00.000-08:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long-running serial Mrs Winton's Diary. Mrs Winton opens another window in her advent calendar in today's episode 'Kill The First Born'

Dear Diary
Opened the third window in my advent calendar. Oh dear it appears to be King Herrod, I said to Cedric that I thought this was a most unsuitable chocolate character to find in an advent calendar he said 'no no mum - that's John Cleese, you know he turns into a frog at the end' I'm completely confused now - I shan't open any more windows its all too much - goodnight dear diary.

Wednesday 1st December

2004-12-02T13:00:00.000-08:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long-running serial Mrs Winton's Diary. Mrs Winton starts to get into the Christmas spirit in today's episode 'Naive Nativity'

Dear Diary
Opened the first window of my advent calendar - couldn't work out if the chocolate inside was a baby Jesus or a wise man. Cedric examined it and said 'Mum this is a Shrek' I said 'I don't remember him being in the nativity story.' Cedric laughed, oh dear, goodnight dear diary.
Listen to Mrs Winton every weekday with Sandi Toksvig on LBC 97.3

Thursday 2nd December

2004-12-02T12:00:00.000-08:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long-running serial Mrs Winton's Diary. Mrs Winton is again excited to open another window on her advent calendar in today's episode 'A complete Ass'

Dear Diary
Opened the second window of my advent calendar - at last something to do with the nativity - it was a chocloate donkey the one that took Mary and Joseph to Bethlehem - or so I thought. Cedric examined it and said 'This is the Eddie Murphy donkey you know' (pop) I didn't - oh dear goodnight dear diary.

Tuesday 30th November

2004-11-30T12:00:00.000-08:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long-running serial Mrs Winton's Diary. Mrs Winton gets misled by Stella in today's episode 'Quite Alarming'

Dear Diary
Went into town with Stella. 'I must pop into Dixon's' she said stubbing her cigarette out in an ornamental plant pop. As soon as we were in there she started picking things up. I said 'Be careful you'll set the alarms off.' 'That's what I'm in here for' she said tugging at a DVD machine. Suddenly there was a terrible howling squeal as she triggered the alarm - sending salesmen scurrying in all directions. Laughing she left the shop, oh dear goodnight dear diary.
Listen to Mrs Winton with Sandi Toksvig every weekday at 12.15pm on LBC 97.3

Monday 29th November

2004-11-29T12:00:00.000-08:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long running serial Mrs Winton's Diary. Mrs Winton has an unpleasant experience in Tescos in today's episode 'Grab It While You Can'

Dear Diary
Popped to Tesco's on Sunday, just before closing time. The scene reminded me of ants stripping a carcass down to the bone. I found myself swept along in the last minute panic. A woman in front of me pushed an elderly lady out of the way crying out 'It's ok Jim I've got the last packet of cornflakes' oh dear, goodnight dear diary.
Listen to Mrs Winton every weekday at 12.15 with Sandi Toksvig on LBC 97.3

Friday 26th November

2004-11-26T12:00:00.000-08:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long-running serial - Mrs Winton's Diary. Mrs Winton considers taking a holiday in today's episode 'Flithy Foreigners'

Dear Diary
Thinking about taking a holiday in America. Was at the market and found a video 'Debbie Does Dallas' thought it would give me a few ideas on where to go and what to see. Put it in the machine and - oh dear - goodnight dear diary.
Listen to Mrs Winton every weekday afternoon at 12.15 on London's LBC 97.3

Thursday 25th November

2004-11-25T12:00:00.000-08:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long-running serial Mrs Winton's Diary - Mrs Winton's son Cedric feels under the weather after eating Pot Pouri in today's episode 'Sickly Sweet'

Dear Diary
My Pot Pouri seems to have disagreed with Cedric - well he shouldn't have eaten it. He's quite queer with it. 'Mum half way through listening to Evergreen from 'A Star Is Born' he told me he was violently sick - but he said it smelt quite nice. I told him not to be so revolting - I'm sure he'll pull through - oh dear goodnight dear diary.
Listen to Mrs Winton every weekday at 12.15pm with Sandi Toksvig on LBC 97.3

Wednesday 24th November

2004-11-24T12:00:00.000-08:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long-running serial Mrs Winton's Diary - Mrs Winton receives a visit from her son Cedric in today's episode 'A Bowl Full Of Goodness'

Dear Diary
I just can't live without Pot Pouri it makes the whole house smell sweet and inviting. Had just filled the bowl on the breakfast room table with 'woodland spice' from British Home Stores, when Cedric popped his head round the door to borrow my Barbara Streisand c.d. I went to look for it - returning to find Cedric eating the Pot Pouri. 'Mum I thought it was a bowl of vegetable crisps' he said. Oh dear goodnight dear diary.
Listen to the lovely Mrs Winton on the equally lovely Sandi Toksvig Show on LBC 97.3

Monday 22nd November

2004-11-22T12:00:00.000-08:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long-running serial Mrs Winton's Diary. Mrs Winton suffers an unpleasant experience in her back passage in today's episode 'Present Tense'

Dear Diary
I heard the door slam and suddenly Barbara was in the back passage - in her hand the figurine of 'elephants by the pool from Argos' 'I bought this at the vicar's bring and buy - it's not the one I gave you as a present?' she said 'Of course not' I lied 'That's upstairs - I'll get it for you just as soon as I come back from the shops.' Managed to get to Argos ten minutes before they closed. Oh dear, goodnight dear diary.
Mrs Winton has a slot of her own during The Sandi Toksvig Show on London's LBC 97.3 listen on line or on Sky Channel 927 or on DAB digital radio.

Friday 19th November

2004-11-19T12:00:00.000-08:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long-running serial Mrs Winton's Diary. Mrs Winton has to deal with a sick parrot in today's episode 'Does He Swallow?'

Dear Diary
Stella and Maureen cam rushing round with Green and Black ' He's stopped talking, we're very worried.' I said 'I'm not really an expert in parrot's' but looking closely I could see the poor bird had something stuck in his beak. Turned out just to be a piece of chocolate. 'He's very partial to a bit - that's why we called him Green and Black' 'I think you should teach him to swallow' I said, they just giggled, oh dear goodnight dear diary.
Mrs Winton pops up with Sandi Toksvig every weekday at 12.15pm on LBC 97.3

Thursday 18th November

2004-11-18T00:15:00.000-08:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long-running serial Mrs Winton's Diary. Mrs Winton is horrified to discover that Stella is pierced in today's episode 'The Stud'

Dear Diary
Maureen had made Stella pop round and admire her plastering 'It's not my thing love' she said 'But it keeps the old girl happy' I was busy trying to stop her stubbing her cigarette out on the kitchen table. As she lent over I could see she had something stuck through her belly button. 'Oh that's my stud darling - Maureen's awfully fond of it' I said that I didn't think a woman of forty should do such a thing, she just lit another cigarette and gave me one her looks. Oh dear, goodnight dear diary.
Listen to the lovely Mrs Winton with sandi Toksvig on LBC 97.3 every weekday at 12.15pm

Wednesday 17th November

2004-11-17T12:15:00.000-08:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long-running serial Mrs Winton's Diary. Mrs Winton receives a visit from the Reverend Shanks in today's episode 'More Tea Vicar'

Dear Diary
Reverend Shanks from St Twyfords came round today. 'Collecting for the bring and buy' trod mud into my hall carpet and then upset a plate of gypsy creams. He really is a most clumsy man. I know I shall regret it, but I gave him Barbara's hideous 'elephants by the pool' figurine she got for me from Argos. He was very pleased - on the way out he managed to trip over my gardening boots, oh dear goodnight dear diary.
Listen to Mrs Winton with Sandi Toksvig every weekday at noon on LBC 97.3

Tuesday 16th November

2004-11-16T12:15:00.000-08:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long-running serial 'Mrs Winton's Diary' Mrs Winton receives a visit from Stella's companion - Maureen in today's episode 'A Bird In Hand'

Dear Diary
Maureen came round to see if her plastering had 'gone off' I noticed she'd had her ginger hair almost shaved off. When I asked her if she'd like a cup of tea - she started rummaging in her jeans saying she had a red bush. I was about to say I don't want to find out - when she produced a tea bag - 'Red Bush - they're from Africa, no caffeine' she said, oh dear goodnight dear diary.
Listen to Mrs Winton every weekday at 12.15pm on LBC 97.3

Monday 15th November

2004-11-15T12:15:00.000-08:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long-running serial - Mrs Winton's Diary. Cedric and Gwendolyn pop into to see Mrs Winton in today's episode 'Why Ealing?'

Dear Diary
Cedric and Gwendolyn are back from their missionary work in Ealing. I said 'Darling I thought to be a missionary you had to travel to far off climbs?' 'That's true mum, but Cedric hasn't got a passport - so we chose Ealing.' I said 'They make films there don't they?' Cedric retorted 'Where there's films, there's pornography!' and started singing 'Bread Of Heaven'. I was going to say something amusing about Margaret Rutherford but kept silent. Oh dear goodnight dear diary.
Listen to Mrs Winton at 12.15pm every weekday on The Sandi Toksvig Show on LBC 97.3FM

Thursday 11th November

2004-11-11T12:00:00.000-08:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long-running serial Mrs Winton's Diary. Mrs Winton gets plastered in today's episode 'An Ill Wind'

Dear Diary
Maureen turned up today to fix the ceiling after my pressure cooker blew up. She's a plain girl and doesn't seem to mind sleeping on Stella's couch every night - Stella only has a one bed flat. I must say she did a very satisfactory job on the ceiling. Told me she'd been on a plastering course in Camden. BUT when she lowered herself from the steps I'm afraid she 'let off' quite loudly and with such ferocity I'm sure my Wedgewood rattled in the dresser. Oh dear, goodnight dear diary.
Listen to Winton lbc.co.uk click presenters and Sandi Toksvig.

Wednesday 10th November

2004-11-10T12:00:00.000-08:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long-running serial Mrs Winton's Diary - Mrs Winton gets an offer she can't refuse in today's episode ' A Soup Opera'

Dear Diary
Still clearing soup off the kitchen cupboards - Fanny Craddock's 'Fun With Pressure Cooking' was a disaster. Stella popped over, took one look at the saucepan lid embeded in my ceiling and said 'I'm sending Maureen round - she has a knack with plastering - we're taking Green and Black to the vet today - he keeps messing his cage, but she'll be round tomorrow.' Before I could say a word she was off in a cloud of cigarette smoke. Oh dear, goodnight dear diary.
Listen to dear Mrs Winton every weekday at 12 noon on The Sandi Toksvig Show on LBC 97.3 FM in London on Sky channel 927 and on the web at lbc.co.uk

Tuesday 9th November

2004-11-09T12:00:00.000-08:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long-running serial Mrs Winton's Diary - Mrs Winton makes some soup in today's episode 'Full Steam Ahead'

Dear Diary
Thought I'd make some soup 'Fanny Craddock's Pressure Cooker Fun' suggested Leek and Potato. Ingredients in and it was soon hissing and steaming - went and did some light dusting - suddenly there was a large bang from the kitchen. What a mess - Leek and Potato everywhere and the lid of pressure cooker lodged in the ceiling - bloody Fanny Craddock. goodnight dear diary.
Listen to Winton - tune to Sandi Toksvig on LBC 97.3 Sky 927 and lbc.co.uk

Monday 8th November

2004-11-08T12:00:00.000-08:00

And now another edition of our long-running serial Mrs Winton's Diary - Mrs Winton has an unpleasant encounter with her neighbour in today's episode 'Left Holding The Bird'

Dear Diary
Stella made one of her uninvited visits - she's one of my oldest neighbours but does take liberties. 'I want you to look after Green and Black - Maureen and I are going to a women's collective poetry weekend' I said 'While I'm happy to look after your parrot I really cannot abide his filthy language' she said 'if you put his cover over he becomes more docile' I said 'I did and he told me to take the effing thing off.' Oh dear it's going to be a long weekend ahead, goodnight dear diary.
Winton - listen - LBC 97.3 weekdays from noon OK

Friday 5th November

2004-11-05T12:00:00.000-08:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long-running serial - Mrs Winton's Diary. Mrs Winton finds herself in hot water in today's episode 'Splish Splash I Was Taking A Bath'

Dear Diary
Was nearing the end of my Oil Of Ulay beauty regime before I retired for bed when there was a very loud gurgling sound and loud voices. I looked out of the window to discover the Turners next door had installed a hot tub and were having a very intimate conversation. I looked more closely and noticed Mr Turner was completely naked - he's 73 years old - but not an unattractive man in some quarters. Oh dear and I was hoping for an early night. Goodnight dear diary.
Catch her if you can by tuning to LBC 97.3 FM in London from 12 noon.

Thursday 4th November

2004-11-04T12:00:00.000-08:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long-running serial - Mrs Winton's Diary. Mrs Winton reflects on a recent wedding she attended in today's episode 'Here Comes The Bride'

Dear Diary
Went to Geoff and Sandra's wedding at the weekend - a rather tense affair involving four different families from four marriages. There were two ex-wives and one ex-husband and assorted inlaws - nobody talking to each other. The best mans speech was greeted in stony silence, he ended with the line 'Thanks for coming, I hope the groom does tonight as well' you could have heard a pin drop. Oh dear, the cake was nice though, goodnight dear diary.
Mrs Winton can be heard on the Sandi Toksvig Show every weekday afternoon from noon - on LBC 97.3 FM in London available on Sky CH927 and on the web

Wednesday 3rd November

2004-11-03T00:00:00.000-08:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long-running serial - Mrs Winton's Diary. Mrs Winton decides to try her hand at DIY - in today's episode 'The Best Way To Do It'

Dear Diary
Popped to B&Q for a tin of paint. I'm thinking of doing the guest bedroom in lilac frost. Came out of the shop with a roll of roofing felt, a barbeque, a yucca plant, two metres of lighting flex, a yard broom, a tub of slug killer and a coat hook. Completley forgot the paint. Oh dear the bedroom will have to wait. Goodnight dear diary.
Listen to Mrs Winton with Sandi Toksvig weekdays from noon on LBC 97.3 Sky channel 927

Tuesday November 2nd

2004-11-02T12:00:00.000-08:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long-running serial - Mrs Winton's Diary. Mrs Winton receives an apology from Barbara in today's episode. 'Who's Sorry Now'

Dear Diary
Barbara felt guilty about breaking my figurine of Princess Diana diffusing a land mine. 'I've bought you this' she said thrusting a brown paper bag in my hand. Inside a most hideous statue of three elephants gathered around a small pool. 'I got it out of the Argos catalogue' she said. 'Thank you that's very kind of you' I said, thinking oh dear I can probably hide it in the guest bedroom. Goodnight dear diary.
Discover Mrs Winton by listening to Sandi Toksvig on LBC 97.3 also on Sky Channel 927

Monday 1st November

2004-11-01T13:00:00.000-08:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long-running serial - Mrs Winton's Diary. Mrs Winton deals with a domestic help problem in today's episode - 'Char Very Much'

Dear Diary
Barbara's broken another one of my ornaments. It was a little figurine of Princess Diana diffusing a landmine - now she's missing a leg - and Barbara believes it's gone up the Dyson. I said 'I pay you a lot of money to clean my home - not ruin it.' She gave me one of her couldn't care less looks and slammed the back door again. Oh dear I'll have to have a poke around for Diana's leg after Murder She Wrote. Goodnight dear diary.
Listen Mrs Winton every weekday at 12.15pm on LBC 97.3 with Sandi Toksvig

Friday 22nd October

2004-10-22T12:00:00.000-07:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long-running serial Mrs Winton's Diary. Mrs Winton has an unpleasant experience on a bus in today's episode 'Room for one more on top'

Dear Diary
Sister Selly called - let's try that lunch again at the Country Club. This time I gave the train a miss and got a bus. 'Ere luv where's your bleedin ticket' I said to the driver 'I was rather bleedin hoping you'd sell me one' 'You should ave got a ticket before you boarded luv - so now hop off' missed lunch. oh dear I think I'll just stay at home with Richard and Judy. Goodnight dear diary.
Discover Mrs Winton tune to LBC 97.3 in London or SKY Channel 927 or LBC.CO.UK

Thursday 21st October

2004-10-21T12:00:00.000-07:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long-running serial - Mrs Winton's Diary. Mrs Winton takes a disapointing trip to the High Street in today's episode. 'Hundreds and Thousands - but not at this store'

Dear Diary
I'm very partial to Marks and Spencer's sherry triffle - popped in there yesterday - not a triffle to be seen - when I enquired a surly shop assistant said - 'They've moved them luv - suppose I'll have to show you where they are' she took me to where I had been looking and of course the shelf was bare. She then turned to me and said 'Why don't you try Tescos dear - I always buy my triffle there' Oh dear what has become of my beloved Marks. Goodnight dear diary.
Discover Mrs Winton's Diary tune to LBC 97.3 in London every weekday afternoon at 12.15

Wednesday 20th October

2004-10-20T12:00:00.000-07:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long-running serial – Mrs Winton’s Diary – Mrs Winton is surprised by something unpleasant on her doorstep in today’s episode ‘Ding Dong – Merrily On High’

Dear Diary
I was flicking through my copy of the Womans Weekly when I heard a noise at the front door. I discovered three children singing ‘Here Comes Santa’ I said ‘Aren’t we a little early for Christmas? – Shouldn’t we be asking for a penny for the guy? One of the boys said ‘Lady we did that in August – we’re on to Christmas now, so cough up or we’ll stick dog mess through your letterbox.’ I toyed with the idea of rapping him around the head with my Womans Weekly – but paid up instead. Oh dear Christmas has come early – goodnight dear diary.

Tuesday 19th October

2004-10-19T12:00:00.000-07:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long-running serial 'Mrs Winton's Diary' Mrs Winton has an unpleasant experience at the hands of a privatised railway company in today's episode 'Off the Rails'

Dear Diary
Sister Selly invites me to lunch at the Country Club. I decide to take a train. When I asked for a cheap day ticket I was told 'white saver day is Tuesday - this aint Tuesday' I paid £35 to travel ten miles.
On the platform I disovered there were no trains 'overunning engineering work' When I complained the gentleman - in a very nice uniform - from the railway company said - 'Listen luv we get compinsated from Network Rail - we make more muny from them - than selling you a bleedin' ticket' Missed lunch - oh dear I think I'll take the bus next time - goodnight dear diary.
Listen to Mrs Winton every weekday at 12.15pm with Sandi Toksvig on LBC 97.3 on the web and on SKY 927

Monday October 18th

2004-10-18T12:00:00.000-07:00

And now another edition of our long-running serial Mrs Winton’s diary. Mrs Winton is forced to leave Cedric behind and her Spanish holiday ends in disaster – in today’s episode – ‘Flying Tonight’

Dear Diary
My Spanish holiday is over – things went from bad to worse at the airport. Cedric went to pay a call of nature and there was a mis-understanding in the toilet and a row ensued between him and a young Spanish gentleman. The Gardia Civil were called and wanted to fine Cedric 300 Euros in cash – I’m afraid Cedric called them ‘a bunch of donkey dropping shovelling Spaniards – ignorant, stupid with bad breath’
I flew out alone – Cedric will be in custody until the morning – when they will fine him one thousand Euros in cash. Oh dear I think I’ll stay at home next year. Goodnight dear diary
Catch Mrs Winton's Diary every weekday at 12 noon with Sandi Toksvig on LBC 97.3 in London and Channel 927 on Sky and on the web at lbc.co.uk

Wednesday 6th October

2004-10-06T12:00:00.000-07:00

And now another edition of our long-running serial - Mrs Winton's Diary. An evening out ends in disaster in today's episode 'The Situation is Hopeless'
Dear Diary
Wish my Spanish holiday in the village near the Balcon de Europe in Spain would improve. Cedric and I went out this evening to a beach-side restaurant 'Jazz at the end of the Rainbow' A Spanish man made us pay ten Euros to park the car. Inside the restaurant an elderly gentleman was doing a most unconvincing impression of Bob Hope - half-way through his act he strapped on a pair of false breasts and started singing 'Thanks For The Mammaries' I said 'Cedric we're leaving' a most unpleasant scene ensued - our Spanish waiter said we hadn't spent enough money on drinks and demanded 30 Euros in cash before we could leave. cedric paid up and we left. goodnight dear diary.
Listen to Mrs Winton's diary every weekday at 12.15pm on The Sandi Toksvig Show on LBC 97.3
LBC 97.3 - 97.3FM in London on SKY Channel 927 and on the world wide web at www.lbc.co.uk

Tuesday October 5th

2004-10-05T12:00:00.000-07:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long-running serial - Mrs Winton's diary. Cedric upsets the Spanish locals in today's episode 'A Brush With The Law'
Dear Diary
Oh how may sleepy Spanish village near the Balcon de Europe has changed - one big building site. Cement and dust everywhere and the smell of open sewers fills the air. Cedric got lost today and took a wrong turning and knocked over an elderly lady's plant pots. She was busy painting her house - but when she saw what my son had done - she came toward us wielding a paint brush in a most threatening manner. She shouted something in Spanish and started painting our car with the brush. Cedric called for the Gardia Civil, they didn't see our side of the argument and fined Cedric 300 Euros in cash - and made us pay for the damaged pots - what a day - goodnight dear diary.
Listen to Mrs Winton every weekday at 12.15pm only on The Sandi Toksvig Show on LBC 97.3

Monday 4th October

2004-10-04T12:00:00.000-07:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long-running serial Mrs Winton's Diary. Mrs Winton witnesses something unpleasant at a building site, in today's episode 'Cementing A Relationship'
Dear Diary
I awoke today in my Spanish village near the Balcon de Europe to the sound of loud thumping. When I looked out of the window - to my horror - we appeared to be the only finished apartment and just five yards opposite one Spanish gentleman was pouring concrete while another appeared to be relieving himself into it. I averted my eyes. I wonder what the day will have instore for us. Goodnight dear diary.
You can hear Mrs Winton's diary every weekday afternoon at 12.15pm on The Sandi Toksvig Show on LBC 97.3

Wednesday 29th September

2004-09-29T12:00:00.000-07:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long-running serial Mrs Winton's Diary. Cedric whisks Mrs Winton away to Spain in today's episode 'Wish You Were Here'
Dear Diary
Cedric said to me 'We leave today' but darling 'I haven't packed yet' 'It's all sorted mother - I've got some very reasonable flights and we're staying in an apartment in your sleepy village by the Balcon de Europe.' Before I knew it we had arrived at Malaga airport and Cedric was shovelling luggage into the car. Oh dear the lovely picturesque coastal road we used to travel along is now a three lane motorway. The Spanish though are very friendly as Cedric weaved in and out of the traffic they were all waving. Then we were stopped by the Gardia Civil who fined Cedric 300 Euros for driving on the right hand side of the road. Never mind I shall wake up in my sleepy village tomorrow Goodnight dear diary.
Listen to Mrs Winton's diary every weekday afternoon at 12.15 on LBC 97.3 with Sandi Toksvig

Tuesday 28th September

2004-09-28T12:00:00.000-07:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long-running serial Mrs Winton's Diary - Cedric brings his mother some good news in today's episode 'Clean Break'

Dear Diary
Cedric suprised me today - 'mum you're looking run-down, I'm going to take you away for a few days' what a good boy 'How about the Costa del Sol - there's a new hotel opened in Toromolinos - "The Pink Man" I suggested that Toromolinos was full a drunken young men parading around all day half naked and suggested we go back to that sleepy village above the Balcon de Europe. Cedric sighed 'OK mum - I'll book the flights today' Goodnight dear diary.
Listen to Mrs Winton's diary every weekday afternoon at 12.15 on LBC 97.3 with Sandi Toksvig

Thursday 23rd September

2004-09-23T13:00:00.000-07:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long running serial Mrs Winton's Diary.

Dear Diary
To dinner with the Thomas's - strange couple - they don't have a doorbell - 'it upsets Timmy and Casandra' - we spent ten minutes waiting to be let in. We were only admitted when I spied Timmy and Casandra's cat flap and managed to shout our presence. 'Sorry we didn't hear you only we were busy in the kitchen fixing supper for our darlings.' Our own supper was most acceptable - marred only by the fact that I tripped over 'Timmy' on the way out and a rather frosty goodbye ensued - goodnight dear diary.

Wednesday 22nd September

2004-09-22T12:00:00.000-07:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long running serial Mrs Winton's Diary today's episode 'The Brazillian'

Dear Diary
Selly came round today - 'I'm taking you to my health club darling.' she said. I said 'I'm not your darling - I'm your sister.' she ignored me - told me to pack something suitable for the gymnasium and a swimming outfit.
What a ghastly place - there is a certain age when women do not look good in Lycra. We ended up in the pool surrounded by a whole bunch of them talking openly and loudly about a whole range of indelicate subjects - And when I took a shower afterwards there was a lady shaving - and not her legs - never again - goodnight dear diary.

Tuesday 21st September

2004-09-21T00:00:00.000-07:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long running serial Mrs Winton's Diary - today's episode 'I do like to be beside the seaside'

Dear Diary
Gwendolyn and Percy dragged me to a quite revolting seaside resort in Essex - 'Walton-on-the-Naze' they were having one of their 'Sand Sermons' - a lot of hymns and loud preaching. Unfortunately the tide was in, so we repaired to 'The Singing Kettle' where I had a poached egg, - I asked for brown bread - the waitress looked at me as if I were quite mad 'Brown bread, we don't do brown bread - there's no call for it.' When the meal arrived Percy said grace with such gusto he frightened the waitress and she tipped a strawberry milkshake down the back of an elderly gentleman - it was a most unpleasant scene. Goodnight dear diary.

Monday 20th September

2004-09-20T00:00:00.000-07:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long running serial Mrs Winton's Diary - today's episode 'Sister Sister'

Dear Diary
Disaster, a call from Selly, 'we're just back from our luxury cruise to the Caribbean darling and thought we'd pop over.' It turns out that she wanted to show off her holiday photos. Charles had made a DVD of them - complete with music. - I had a lot of pleasure telling my dear sister Selly that we didn't have a DVD to play them on. - We spent the afternoon instead pouring over snaps of Cedric's trip to Mykonos. Goodnight dear diary.

Friday 17th September

2004-09-17T12:00:00.000-07:00

And now another edition of our long running serial Mrs Winton's Diary - today's episode 'A Close Shave'

Dear Diary
Mrs Abercrombie made one of her uninvited visits; she had come to apologise about her behaviour in Boots last week - when she stole the razor blades, she says 'Maureen has a little moustache problem and they are soo expensive' Maureen's a nice girl - a little plain looking but quite selfless, - she's lived with Mrs Abercrombie since Mr Abercrombie died. -Even though it's just a one bedroom flat - she's happy to sleep every night on the couch, she's a good girl. Goodnight dear diary.

Thursday 16th September

2004-09-16T12:00:00.000-07:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long running serial Mrs Winton's Diary - today's episode 'It's Good News week'

Dear Diary,
Gwendolyn and Percy are back from their 'Let's Camp For Jesus' convention in Chelmsford. 'Mum' she says 'you really ought to be more interested in the good news.' I told her 'I like my good news from Moira Stewart.' I thought that was quite a witty remark and find myself still chuckling about it now. Gwendolyn just frowned at me and Percy began singing Bread Of Heaven again, oh well Goodnight dear diary.

Wednesday 15th September

2004-09-15T12:00:00.000-07:00

And now another edition of our long-running serial Mrs Winton's Diary - today's episode 'Half Baked'

Dear Diary,
Cedric and his friend Nigel came round today. Nigel said to me 'Mrs W do you mind if I heat something in your oven?' I said 'help yourself.' I found them both about a half an hour later in the dinning room talking ninety to the dozen about some rubbish or other. Nigel had obviously been warming an apple pie or some such because there was sugar all over the bottom of my clean oven. Goodnight dear diary.

Tuesday 14th September

2004-09-14T12:00:00.000-07:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long running serial Mrs Winton's Diary - todays episode 'Beyond Belief'

Dear Diary:
Gwendolyn phoned today. She and Percy are off to a 'Lets Camp For Jesus' convention in Chelmsford - not a very desirable place. They hold it in the grounds of some stately home the week after a rock concert there. 'Mum' she says 'They leave the place in a terrible state - prophylactics everywhere.' I had to look that word up in the dictionary afterwards - though it had something to do with her religious bent - how wrong was I.
Goodnight dear diary.

Monday 13th September

2004-09-13T12:00:00.000-07:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long running serial Mrs Winton's Diary - today's episode 'A Tramp In The Woods'

Dear Diary:
What a lovely evening yesterday. Cedric and I went for a walk in The Spinney - a popular pastime judging by the number of gentlemen walking around. Cedric seemed to be on first name terms with quite a few of them. Suddenly Cedric cries out 'Mother we must turn back right away.' - I think he'd seen something unpleasant ahead - he's a good boy.
Goodnight dear diary.

Thursday 9th September

2004-09-09T12:00:00.000-07:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long running serial Mrs Winton's Diary - today's episode 'Goodness Gracious Great Balls Of Fire'

Dear Diary:
Popped into the building society today - the most extraordinary thing happened - a gentlemen sitting down in the waiting area shot up out of his seat, and please forgive me, screamed out 'My balls are on fire' - It seems an over zealous cleaner had liberally cleaned the seats with bleach and the poor gentleman had sat on the wet chair. When I left he was demanding a pair of new trousers and a bowl of water.
Goodnight dear diary.

Monday 6th September

2004-09-06T12:00:00.000-07:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long running serial Mrs Winton's Diary - today's episode 'Clean Sweep'

Dear Diary:
Barbara's been casuing trouble again - 'Mrs Winton your Oover's too heavy, I can't control it, it's got too much suction.' - I said to her 'It's not a Hoover Barbara, it's a Dyson.' - and I think she's been helping herself to my gin. The other thing that happened today is I can't find Sweep. It's funny I could have sworn I heard her meowing from the cupboard under the stairs.
Goodnight dear diary.

Friday 3rd September

2004-09-03T12:00:00.000-07:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long running serial Mrs Winton's Diary - today's episode 'Wash Day Blues'

Dear Diary:
Oh my poor shag pile, - the kitchen carpet is ruined - the washing machine has leaked all over it. 15 years I've had that machine - things don't last. A nice young man at 'Electrosavers' told me it wasn't worth repairing and sold me a lovely new one - very expensive - seven hundred pounds - and do you know it's just emptied it's load ALL over my shag pile.
Goodnight dear diary.

Thursday 2nd September

2004-09-02T12:00:00.000-07:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long running serial Mrs Winton's Diary - todays episode 'The Sting'

Dear Diary:
What is the pupose of wasps? We found a wasps nest in the roof today. - Cedric was here and started flapping his arms and screaming 'It will fall thru the roof and we'll all be stung' - I said to him 'don't worry dear, we'll get a man in' - he said 'I am a man, mum' - so he tried to dislodge it with a stick. Three hours I spent with him in casualty.
Goodnight dear diary.

Wednesday 1st September

2004-09-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

And now for your listening pleasure another edition of our long running serial Mrs Winton's Diary - today's episode 'These Boots Are Made For Walking'

Dear Diary
In the High Street today with Mrs Abercrombie - and she said she needed to pop into Boots - I said to her 'that's fine as it's in the High Street' - but she said to me 'No not that one, the little one in the shopping centre - because they don't have any alarms' - I couldn't think what she meant until when we were in there I caught her shovelling razor blades into her happy shopper. - 'Oh don't worry' she says 'It's not stealing, if they can't be bothered to have an alarm then I'm not bothered about helping myself.' next time she comes to tea I'm definitely going to hide the silver.
Goodnight dear diary.

Tuesday August 31st

2004-08-31T12:00:00.001-07:00

And now for your listening pleasure, another edition of our long running serial; Mrs Winton's Diary - today's episode 'Cast Your Fete To The Wind'

Dear Diary:
St Michael's Fete on Sunday - I was expecting bring and buy, a tombolla and a cake stall - the Vicar had turned it into a boot sale - and the live band he booked - 'The Mothers' were a terrible disappointment - nothing to do with the Mothers' Union - as I had thought - but five foul mouthed teenagers singing about 'underage sex' Don't think I'll bother going next year.
Goodnight dear diary.